When was the last time you said yes to something and immediately regretted it? For me, it was agreeing to help my son clean out his closet. Normally, I would relish the opportunity to organize chaos and throw out junk, but it was a busy day in the middle of a busy week. I didn’t have the time to do this, but I said yes in the name of relationship. As I looked in the closet, I immediately knew I’d made a mistake. I gave it a half-hearted start, but most of my attention was on the things I had been working on before. It was time to apologize, and reschedule for a time when he and his closet would have my full attention.
I’ve done similar things at work. In previous roles, I managed a portfolio of over 450 language projects in Africa along with the team of 30+ project managers who made all of that happen. One of the project managers struggled with difficult conversations with project staff. When the person was new, it was easy to help out and say to myself - this is all part of training someone new. But as the months wore on, it became a pattern of me reviewing his communications before he sent them. It wasn’t sustainable for either of us. It had to stop.
What is the common thread between these examples? My desire to be nice, for connection, to be seen as helpful, favoring relationships over tasks. My desire to please the people around me. Do you recognize yourself in this pattern?
Roughly half of Americans (49%) call themselves people-pleasers. About 52% say they often feel they can’t say no when asked for something, and that splits by gender: 55% of women versus 49% of men. Two-thirds go out of their way to avoid conflict (70% of women, 63% of men). And 64% say they often put others’ needs ahead of their own, women (68%) more than men (61%).1
At the same time, middle managers report more burnout than the people above and below them. Recently, managers went from about 11 direct reports to 12 in a single year.2 Even without the tendency to say yes to everything, you are running out of bandwidth.
Given all the distractions and pressures you face, and the multiplicity of paths to feeling guilty, finding a way to push back against the disease to please is more essential than ever.
~ How Women Rise, Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith
When Helping Stops Being a Choice
If we’re overwhelmed with too much to do, what prompts us to say yes to things? What value is prompting our choice? For me, it is often the desire to be “nice” and avoid conflict or difficult conversations because I value connection. For you, it may be the same or it may be the desire to help or to rescue people because you value being useful.
We’ve often talked here about the Judge3 - the inner voice in your head that is judging you, others, or the circumstances you find yourself in. Saying yes when you mean no is another example of your Judge on hyper-drive, but this time, your Judge brought a friend. Let me introduce you to one of the other saboteurs working in the Judge’s courtroom, the Pleaser. The Pleaser “tries to gain acceptance and affection by helping, pleasing, rescuing, or flattering others.”4 It prevents you from stating your needs and saying no. Resentment starts to build. We say yes to the Pleaser because we want to feel needed and valued, but then we show up as the worst version of ourselves because we are overwhelmed and overcommitted.
The Judge and the Pleaser (along with the other saboteurs) think they are being helpful and protecting us, but really, they’ve hijacked our values and are using them to get their way. Think back to my work with a new project manager, reviewing emails before he could send them. My value of helping was hijacked into rescuing that person, preventing both of us from doing our own work or growing in our abilities. You exist and thrive in your values, but when the Pleaser and Judge get involved, you disappear.
The Good Manager Costume
This is why the Pleaser is so hard to catch at work. It’s wearing the costume of a good boss. Saying yes to your team feels like leadership, not fear. Rescuing someone who is struggling and managing them well look almost identical from the outside. Each demands your emotional energy and time. You don’t see the difference until you’re overwhelmed with your own work and resenting the fact that you said yes. There’s no room left for nice; no room for connection.
Where is the line between genuinely helpful and self-erasing? The line is about what was driving you to help. A value has a limit. You can help this time and still say no next time, and you are still there when it is done. The Pleaser has no limit. It cannot stop and you go missing. A good boss is not the one who absorbs every hard thing. It is the one who lets people do their own hard thing and stays close while they struggle.
Reflect:
Pick one thing you said yes to and wish you hadn’t. Something that felt like good managing one day and a dead weight the next.
What did you protect with this yes - the other person’s comfort or your standing as the reliable one?
What did it cost the person you helped? What did they not learn because you stepped in?
Act:
Find one thing you have been doing because it is easier than watching someone struggle with it. Give it back and let them do it. Do not fix it before they even attempt it. Your job is staying close while they struggle, near enough to help if they ask, far enough that they actually learn. Notice what comes up while you wait. That discomfort is the Pleaser losing its grip, not a sign you did the wrong thing.
Not managing people yet? Catch a moment this week where you are about to step in and give a yes. Wait 60 seconds. Notice the thoughts and feelings that come up in that 60 seconds. Again, that’s the Pleaser fighting back, not you doing the wrong thing.
If you want more on leading people and yourself or have something you’re stuck in the middle of, book a free call and we’ll look at it together.
https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/43498-women-more-likely-men-people-pleasing-poll
https://www.gallup.com/workplace/700718/span-control-optimal-team-size-managers.aspx
Shirzad Chamine, Positive Intelligence
Cate, this is truly a terrific piece. What I find so interesting is that your advice here really applies to more than just leadership and work situations. Your question, "Where is the line between genuinely helpful and self-erasing?" is a question many, especially women in midlife, could benefit from asking.
"...Pleaser because we want to feel needed and valued, but then we show up as the worst version of ourselves because we are overwhelmed and overcommitted." And then how it overtakes our values.... convicting. Helpful insight to let go of the Pleaser because I see the damage it does to what I truly care about.