A few weeks ago, we talked about the vanishing act a good manager performs when they step in to help their team, doing things for them instead of helping them learn. This week, the situation looks similar, but the feeling driving it is different. As a new manager, I needed everything to be perfect. Perfection meant that I belonged in the role. I was driven by the fear that I would be caught out as an imposter. Perfection driven by fear is exhausting.
Your fear may show up differently, but you’ll recognize some of the behaviors below.
Running on Autopilot
I’m really good at catching typos and grammatical errors. It’s not quite at the super power level, but it’s getting close. When I’m in a meeting and someone is screen-sharing, sometimes, all I can see are the typos. Unfortunately, when it’s a shared document, I have to go in and fix it. I have no choice; I just can’t let it sit. This isn’t a conscious decision, just a reflex. I fix things out of habit, not because it matters or because I was asked to. (A moment of silence for my poor colleagues that have to put up with me!)
What makes me do this? Am I just an obnoxious school marm who can’t stop herself? Well, maybe, but also this is the Stickler - a saboteur or mental thinking pattern that works alongside the Judge in your mind.1 The Stickler craves perfection and has taken the need for order way too far. “Good enough” is not an option that is available to the Stickler. What started as high standards has become a compulsion that runs on autopilot.
But the person on the other side doesn’t know what’s going on in my brain. They only see the actions. They see me editing their document while they are actively sharing it in a meeting. Yikes. They are receiving the message loud and clear that their work didn’t meet my standard even though that is not what I’m thinking.
Preference Disguised as Standard
At the Stickler’s core is the belief that none of this is personal preference, it’s just the standard operating procedure - what’s the big deal? But sometimes, there is no right or wrong way to do something.
There is more than one way to get to my son’s new school. I go one way; my husband goes the other way. The two ways take about the same amount of time. Is one of us right? No. We both managed to get the boy to and from school regardless of our route choices. The Stickler would disagree. It would say that conscientiousness dictates that we go this way, not that way.
The first time someone does it “wrong,” the Stickler suppresses well. By the 29th time, the dam breaks and the frustration comes out. You’re not just telling someone how to go. You’re mad that they won’t go your way. Why can’t they get this right?
The 80/20 Rule
The truth is that the Stickler probably started out as something genuinely helpful to you. High ideals, the ability to bring order into chaos, self-discipline, being direct and discerning. Those are strengths that we want to see in a leader. Board materials, donor-facing documents, partner communications; those are the places where a typo or a sloppy number could actually cost you something. Your high standards in those contexts aren’t necessarily the Stickler. They’re the Sage part of your brain using the same skill set for a real reason.
The Sage is the part of your brain that is calm, curious, and discerning. Your Sage can see all parts of the equation and weigh the different pieces out, considering the outcome of each. It can look at the different priorities and values that your team holds and make the best decision available to you in the moment. It isn’t an anxious - get this fixed ASAP before anyone sees that we messed up - but rather a decisive way of navigating the best path ahead.
The Sage’s tool to combat the Stickler is the 80/20 rule, which has been variously applied to time management, people management; I’ve even heard it in relation to a CD collection (when that was a thing). Here, we can say that 20% of your work probably does need to be perfect. (Not talking to you, brain surgeons. You keep aiming for 100%.) But 80% of your work can be just good enough.
Most of what the Stickler tries to make perfect belongs in the 80%. The Sage saves your energy for the 20% that actually matters, and produces better outcomes in those places because you’re not exhausted from perfecting everything else.
As I’ve been building my ERA Coaching, I’ve noticed that everything feels like the 20%. I keep looking for the formula that, if followed to the letter, will guarantee my success. Newsflash - there isn’t one. But the Stickler keeps searching anyway, treating every decision like the future of the universe depends on it. That’s the Stickler’s logic at its most seductive: if I just get every piece perfect, it will work. Maybe it will, but you’ll be too tired to even notice.
Reflect
Look at your last week. Pick three things you corrected, polished, or redid. For each one, ask yourself: was this the 20% where a mistake would have had a real consequence, or was this simply a different way of getting to the same place? How many of the three actually needed to be perfect?
Act
This week, before you open someone’s file to fix it, before you rewrite that email, before you rearrange the spreadsheet, ask the question out loud: is this the 20% or the 80%? If it’s the 80%, check in with your body. Tight chest, lead weight in your stomach, spinning thoughts? That’s the Stickler. Close the file. Come back to it when the Sage can look at it. Don’t touch it until you know which part of you is reaching for it.
Curious about the Sage, the Saboteurs, and how they impact your leadership? Email me for a free assessment to give you more insight into your own patterns.
The Saboteur framework, including the Stickler and the Sage, comes from Shirzad Chamine's Positive Intelligence (PQ). Email me to take the free Saboteur Assessment to find out which ones run your show.